New Airline Rules

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
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Passenger: Sure.
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Attendant: You’re in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
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Passenger: What for?
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Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
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Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
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Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It’s the airline’s new policy.
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Passenger: That’s the craziest thing I ever heard. I won’t pay it.
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Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
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Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I’ll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
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Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
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Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
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Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
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Passenger: What?
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Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
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Passenger: This is extortion. I won’t stand for it.
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Attendant: Actually, you’re right, you can’t stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We’re about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
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Passenger: No way!
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Attendant: Sir, if you don’t comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don’t want me to do that.
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Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
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Attendant: No, but there’s a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
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Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can’t believe this.
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Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
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Passenger: Yes. It’s stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn’t seem to work. Can you fix it?
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Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
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Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
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Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It’s the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
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Passenger: I don’t have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
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Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
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Passenger: But you’ve given me only three quarters for my dollar.
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Attendant: Yes, there’s a change making fee of 25 cents.
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Passenger: For cryin’ out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
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Attendant: Hang onto it. You’ll need it later for the lavatory.